Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It has been awhile since I have posted anything on here. I'm not like my mother and sisters who post in their blogs religiously  I found that I would rather sit down and watch a TV show, then write about things that happen in my life. But alas, I have been suffering from recurring chest pain and my mother has diagnosed me with internalized stress. (don't worry, I have actually had licensed medical advice as well. Thousands of dollars later, and I am not having a heart attack or at any risk of one. ) Apparently I just don't talk about my feelings enough. I've always thought myself a pretty strong person, who can handle copious amounts of change and stress, but I guess everyone has their breaking point. So I thought perhaps blogging would be a good outlet for me. So here goes.

A lot is happening in my life. A lot.
This was to be the year that I lived as an individual, that I paid my own bills, lived alone, worked full time and gained the independence that I always wanted. Well it has been just that kind of year. I am working full time, budgeting and paying all my own bills, and living alone.
   And it is exhausting. I am SO tired. I'm tired of working and doing the same thing every single day, I am tired of coming home to an empty house and cooking for one and then having to clean up after myself. I'm tired of always budgeting and having only enough money. I'm tired of having to double check my locked doors at night and having to think about what I would do if anyone broke in. I am just so tired.
    Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining and I'm surviving just fine. There are so many women who live this way all the time, and I have SO much respect for them. But I have a lot of other things going on in my life as well. On top of being independent,  I am planning a wedding in 7 months, And also in 7 months, I am moving. I don't know where I am moving to, so I cant plan anything. Do you have any idea how stressful it is to be moving to god knows where, and not being able to plan it? Its a little stressful. I have come to terms with the fact that it is outside of my control and I have no say, so I will be happy wherever we go, but deep down... its pretty freaking stressful!  I am also in the process of building relationships with my fiances family, stressful. I want the perfect body for my wedding, stressful. I work for 4 men, STRESSFUL. Not being able to talk to my fiance whenever I want to, stressful.
No wonder I feel like I am having a heart attack everyday... My life is truly chaos. And its not like I sit around and dwell or even think of all the stressful things going on in my life, I guess they all just silently creep up and attack me all at once. Hence the anxiety.
   Maybe I need a shrink, maybe I need a vacation, or maybe I just need to let it all out every once in awhile. Whatever the case may be, these are all problems that will pass with time. They are life changing issues, but all the same... it will be over and gone before I know it. And I want to enjoy being an independent women, I want to enjoy planning my wedding, and I want to enjoy the adventure in the unknown. The stress and anxiety has got to go.

My "go away anxiety" goals for the rest of this month;

1. Run more
2. Eat more fruits and veggies
3. Drink more hot tea
4. Cut back on my caffeine intake (kill me now)
5. Talk about my feelings more.
6. Take more time for me
7. Spend more time in prayer

I'll keep you updated on the results :)